I'm at a loss for words on this one...I have a lot to say, but can't say it. Or perhaps I just choose not to. I tried the "tell it how it is" thing and f***ed myself. So, time to do the "bottle it up and hope I implode" thing again. I enjoy that aspect much better....the pure stupidity of certain things I do when I am in this mode is such a rush......wake up tomorrow or not? That is the fun question that is hanging over my head in "bottle it up" mode......If no one knows how I truly hurt or feel inside, I can put on a fake personality and no one is the wiser. The smile on my face most often hides the gut wrenching pain I go through ever day. Whether that be emotional or physical pain. Pain is pain.... When you hear the words, "nothing's wrong, or I'm okay, or no worries", are they sincere? Well, I wouldn't write the answer one way or the other in this blog.... Why put it ALL out there? I'd rather keep everyone in the dark as to my true thoughts.... keeps everyone else from feeling bad or guilty...better me than you in my opinion....It's a crappy way of life....And sadly, I bring it on myself
Recently, I thought I had found a really happy point in my life.....until my own philosophy of life came back to bite me in the ass....That philosophy can be summed up in two phrases: "Everything is too good to be true." and "Always expect the worst. That way if something good happens, it's a pleasant surprise. When the bad things happen, it's not a shock, it was expected." Lose sight of what you believe, and you wake up one day to find you've really screwed things up, and can't go back to fix it. But then, would I want to fix it?
Being happy doesn't mean shit. Making others happy, my life's mission....so, in a nut shell, I'm here to be miserable to make everyone else happy.....forgetting that causes me to hurt myself...hence making me a bigger bitch than I was before. Listen to your mind, not your heart. They never agree, but logic outweighs emotion any day of the week.
